53.9
June, 2022- Hell’s Kitchen NYC
So…
At the DVP atelier in the Meatpacking Dst it says in the window the inspirational quote: Fear is not an option. Fear is an option Deeann, as is everything else. It’s whether we choose fear over faith or aggression or whatever comes after realizing fear isn’t really real but just another shield of defense against life on life’s terms. But it’s an option nonetheless. Rational fear versus imagined fear. As the years fly by fear itself takes on a new meaning. I used to fear getting old, and now at 53.9 years I am old. So no need to fear that, for I know whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I will still be old. The “promises” tell me I will lose my financial insecurity (which is a fear) and that as of yet has not happened. Keeps me on edge and looking repeatedly at the same old interface every day trying to squeeze myself dry to cover overhead and gym and food and basic necessities to the luxury of comfort. Fear has left me and apathy has taken over. The dulling of the senses. What once seemed important is now way down on the list. I don’t give a fuck. No, really, I don’t. If that is what real freedom is then I have arrived. Time to unpack and relax.
Some of the books I read in the last year that I’ve wanted to but hadn’t include The Andy Warhol Diaries and a definitive if somewhat textbook-like Warhol biography by Blake Gotnik. I suppose I have always been semi-fascinated by Warhol for a variation of reasons for which none are the same as all others who claim to be either fascinated by him or ambivalent about him. Back in the day he was just cool, when I was a 17 year old pining to be as NYC cool as possible Warhol was the closest thing to whatever passed itself off as God. LKW and I would devour Interview magazine as if it were our teen avant guard bible of dare I use the word zeitgeist-like expression(ism). We would lounge in the loft for hours and pontificate about Denise Huxtible and Molly Ringwald and Paulina and U2 and even George Michael and Prince. We dissected them. Clean cuts but still with a teenage sting that we felt was out right as progressives. The biography was informational but the Diaries were as insightful into Warhol’s mind as anything was ever going to be and I’m regretful that it took me so long to read all 100,000,000,000 pages. I still have a tattered copy of the Jean Stein/George Plimpton Edie biography on my desk that I bought at a used bookstore in 1986 and still haven’t read all the way through, only because it’s just too fucking funny what 1960’s druggies consider to be profound thoughts. The whole interview-style first-person thing gets me hard. I have used it before in books I have written. My main takeaways from the diaries were that Warhol, while an accomplished commercial artist when he was young, somewhere along the way figured out the art thing was just absurdism masquerading itself as a higher level of taste-specific pretense. What one considers to be great art says everything about them that they want others to know. Yes, like everything else in life it’s a subjective non-reality. Not necessary unless one lives and breathes it. Warhol eventually started making art just to make fun of the colony of pretense that it had built and charge XXX-tra for it for those with more money than personal integrity). Laugh all the way to the deposit window. Out of all the Studio 54 people (I now live two blocks from there!) Bianca Jagger seemed to be Warhol’s least favorite person even though he sat next to her a lot. My dear-departed NYC Grandmother used to tell me she hoped she’d be reincarnated as a petite blonde who only knew one sentence: oh, you’re wonderful. Warhol seemed to live by this kind of let-them-pay-for-the-cake-whilst-I-eat-it credo.